Brother Mustafa’s Blog

Chapter 2 – My enculturation and life up until my deployment to GTMO.

Since I have established it is enculturation and historical misunderstandings we are actually at war with here, let me introduce you to my enculturation, I was born in Phoenix Arizona, and other then a few early years I spent in Las Vegas I’ve lived there all my life, I lived with my maternal mother and father during those early years in our house.  At this point in my father’s career he was making enough money that we always lived in a nice part of town. In Vegas we lived on Charleston BLVD, Summerland area, We lived well and moved around often, usually living in 4, 5 bedroom homes, we moved quite a few times while I was a child but ended up back in phoenix just after my seventh birthday if I recall correctly, I have some clear memories of those early years, mostly I remember being a pain to my mother and being disciplined often and a good deal of for my childish overly eccentric curiosity about life, (which usually led to some kind of mess).

It is funny the things that you recall as a child, I remember some of the most odd events and moments of my childhood.  I remember going to cub scouts and how fun that was, I remember the Christmas we got a Nintendo, when it first came out, and that same Christmas I also got a really cool GI JOE fortress.  I remember finding a half pipe when I was younger and trying to skateboard on it, and I remember my first visit to thrasher land as a child and how much fun it was.  I can remember the first time my mother let me try a cigarette, and the only time, and how awful I thought it was, and now how much I love them.  I can remember Slash and Tasha, our Rottweiler’s, and I can remember my neighbors and my turtles and “Gun smoke”, and so many random details of my early few years, why do they stick out, why do they stay in clear memory and not anything bad or painful that happened?  Perhaps early on I came to the understanding that life is pain, and in not remembering the pain I can escape it, or maybe it just didn’t matter or I didn’t know any different and thought that was what every child went through, I don’t know?

Sometimes it occurs to me little insignificant details of my youth in conversation.  My mother and I were talking the other day, about some ideas and life and what have you, when it occurred to me the number of times I can remember her watching Dallas, All My Children, or Oprah, while she was drinking ice tea from a particular Mickey Mouse cup, and eating Top Ramon.  Why are the details of this so clear and distinct in my head, and the details of matters that were actually important not come to mind at all?

My parent divorced when I was 7 years old and I went to live with my grandparents where I lived until I was nearly 18. I think back on my early family life fondly despite my parents shortcomings, they gave me the tool’s I needed to continue to grow, they taught me how to be effective in consuming, surviving and being self-interested, all things I would need on my long journey to eventual self discovery, selflessness and spiritual insight about Islam.

So as I said I was raised by my maternal mother and father. They were both, from the time I was born, drug users; my mother was more of a desperate addict then my father ever was, while she used intravenously, my father was a pothead, a cokehead and sold both along with his roofing 6 days a week, really, my father was an effective provider, he ran that roofing business and made thousands each week not to mention his other Illicit dealings, he was a very hard worker, he was unquestionable too, godlike then, and barely ever around, as was my mother, she was the al providing individual in my life!

So in those early years I did spend a good deal of time with my mother, she raised me as a baby, but none of her discipline was ever constructive, by the age of 5 or 6 it wasn’t uncommon when I made a mess or stepped out of line to get beat with a belt from not knowing when to keep my mouth shut during her “T.V. Time” I wasn’t punished inappropriately or excessively, just coldly enough to let me know I was a nuisance, a flea on the wall.

Part of the problem was my mother was 17 when she was pregnant with me, I think she got pregnant to escape her mother’s house actually, to do something new, to deal with her addictions, but she felt she was ultimately unfairly burdened to take care of me in my opinion, Although It probably wouldn’t be fair to say her disposition was altogether intentional, I was very loved, we just had more of a big sister little brother relationship then a mother son relationship unfortunately.

People commonly ask me as to what my family thinks about my conversion, the answer is simple, they are not alive any longer.  My mother is, and inshAllah we will have a functioning relationship with each other one day, but it is not that state at the moment.  I do not blame or hate my family, nor do I hold any feelings of ill will towards them for my youth and upbringing.  The simple fact of the matter is that sometimes the over exposure to the worst society has to offer will help prepare you for the transition into adulthood.  I am thankful to have lived the life I did, I feel that it helped prepare me for what would come, and is still to come.

In the end I had the television to console me, to lull me to sleep better than either of my parents, this wasn’t because I wasn’t loved, or I was neglected, it was just how I got raised, My mom and dad were goofy, young, irresponsible and in love, At 17, to 19 they had no business taking on any responsibility in life or raising children really, they both had problems with lifestyle obsessions and drug addiction, so I got a pretty skewed idea about what it meant to be a good American or a good boy then, I sat quietly at home while mom and dad got stoned, ate food, and watched television, I usually just sat amused and happy trying to not get smacked, wishing that I had friends.

I didn’t just watch TV all the time though; this can be a misleading idea.  My mother would help me and teach me to read, and I would spend time playing on an educational video game system called Socrates.  There was usually neighbors who had kids, and if not my mother would arrange for me to have the occasional play date, she encouraged social outing and interaction, it wasn’t all bad, my childhood.  I suppose like most Americans, there were some short comings and problems, but they are all cursed with that, maybe it isn’t a curse; maybe the problems and short comings help us to prepare for dealing with the real world.  I have always been thankful that I was not sheltered from the negative and cruel nature of the world as a child.

This was what I thought made a “good American” or normal family life from a young age, a man working hard to provide the means for his family to stay home, consume, and watch the super important evening news, and game shows, it was all I knew, and all I knew to eventually rebel against.

This early time of watching television with my parents and being a nuisance came to an end I was about 7, my parents divorced, and were both in no shape to take care of me. I came to think of this as the end innocence for myself, that and the time my dog ate my turtle, (the turtle died and it was really traumatic for me!) This was when I moved in with my grandparents and started what I fondly refer to as a normally dysfunctional childhood; I went to elementary and middle-school to get baby-sat during the day and came home to do whatever I pleased.

The world is becoming increasingly aware of itself, trading information, and globalizing over the two foreseeable issues that affect us all, Global Warming and Terrorism. While this is happening we cannot escape the fact that America has had a jaded past with slavery, racism, war and its eventual civil right movement, they taught us that much in class, so it’s no real surprise that our issues with the Islamic world have stirred up those familiar feelings from our past, the same misconceptions, intolerance and even blind hatred didn’t go anywhere, they just waited patiently for a new scapegoat and found it in both moderate and fundamentalist Islam all over the world. Fueled by indifference and the media’s all to complete coverage and terror alerts we made brash decisions that didn’t include some of our most traditional allies because they didn’t understand our logic, that or they didn’t respect our leader, whichever’s the case America has allies in the “War on Error” that they refuse to see as resources right now, they don’t see them as allies because they won’t fight, but their unwillingness to be allies in combat is made up for their willingness to be allies in the moral and ethical battle that is being waged.  I think France is trying to understand the whys and wherefores instead of having a knee jerk reaction to violence, instead of rounding up hundreds people from all corners of the globe, (Buying terrorists from governments basically as it turns out, well sometimes terrorists sometimes farmers, fathers, teachers, and simply just Muslims really) and detaining them for various reasons when there are threats, attacks or riots, the French take the much more obvious, effective and realist approach of asking their citizenry why this is happening, and confronting the possible solutions instead of getting involved in the hob snobbery of absolute solutions, they deal with it day to day knowing the solution is in intuitively practicing counter-terrorism, while being extremely mindful about the fact that there city is full of Muslim peoples. I’m glad Paris isn’t having so many issues and appears to be using all the available socializing agents, tolerance and tools possible to make a copasetic living situation for its growing Muslim population.

For the US  its essential we find connection and relation to Muslim world because it’s the truest way to find a disconnect from the violence we deplore, this type of violence inevitably occurs when we get involved in complex relationships with the countries that harbor Islamic extremism or whose failed states are battling it, we know indifference, isolationism and intolerance didn’t prevent 9-11, we now know that being pre-emptive or “on the offense” against terrorism creates way to many shadow enemies, and the problematic nature of pre-emptive war usually outweighs the benefits, so where is the line between all opposite extremes when it comes to dealing with extremism? Where is the middle path? The short answer is again thee “enculturation-approach”, I feel strongly enough about this to tell you my life’s story as an example of how indifference, moral relativist thought and religious intolerance alike, have seeped their way into everything from schools, to the television, the USA internet and media outlets, political philosophies and new age religions, it is using its effect on our enculturation to do more than breed anti-religious or anti-Muslim sentiment, its labeling our enemies for us, for our children too, in an effort to breed an acceptable kind of hate that is subtle enough, politically correct enough, for us citizens to be able to ignore.

It is enculturation that makes progress so begrudgingly slow, if  young voters and traditional supporters of both parties in America made their obvious discontent with education and foreign policy more vocal we would see real progress, but  sadly we Americans tend to internalize our discontent,  who could blame us, after all the catharsis from the evening news and the death tolls from our wars get somberly read it just stays that way, internalized and somber, we pick and choose how to feel, just like we pick and choose our beliefs and nobody is the better for it but our “enemies”. The same bigots and religiously intolerant people who refuse to talk or even negotiate with the worlds governing powers no matter what their impartial or peaceful stance, they choose to internalize their hatred until they work up enough religious fervor and  delusions of grandeur to blow themselves and innocent civilians to bits and pieces, I’m not comparing good Americans to terrorists or even saying we harbor that kind of intensity on purpose, but clearly internalizing frustration and letting a small elite group speak for us has not worked in our best interests, I feel this is an inarguable feeling, we need to learn to speak as a people as a young generation, as soldiers, as citizens and young politicians and be heard, we can do this without much effort either, just quit letting other people speak for us, whichever group you fit into, don’t let your opinion go unheard. Even if you profess to not care about provocative social issues like ethno-convergence, terrorism, or pre-emptive war, you simply have to care that other people are identifying your enemies for you because it threatens your safety and impartial opinion which you apparently covet by simply not caring to begin with.

That said, everyone should consider getting involved somehow, whether you donate to a refugee cause, support our returning troops fund, donate to amnesty or just get informed, do something positive whichever facet of this cause you choose to support, it’s worth it to identify with a compassionate cause no matter how indifferent or anxious you might feel at first, because most unfortunately the young generations of the western world, cannot bridge any kind of connection with Islam or the eastern social structure of countries like Iraq, Iran, Pakistan, Turkey or Saudi Arabia through the indifference taught in public schools about other cultures and the moral relativist philosophical ideals we inadvertently learn and practice in our culture, (We learn it through television, media, the internet, and  our over-sexed culture mostly) we need to be armed with better tools then anger and reactionary leaders in the face of attacks that shake up our country like a cheap snow-globe, we need to be better armed as citizens, soldiers and human beings so the world can hear our many voices and opinions when these things happen, not just one former drunk turned evangelical from Texas, our voices aren’t counted for, there stepped over by men who think they know a better way than the innovation and temperance our classical education preaches via humanities, philosophy and literary arts (The same classical education the law insists we sit through for our entire youth). They are the most eloquent kind of hypocrites because they are afforded the luxury of hiding behind people’s genuine fear of further terrorist attack, while at the same time perpetuating the problem with unworkable rhetoric and absolutist solutions that lead to them being the authority on what keeps us safe, and what rhetoric is acceptable in these times of uncertainty.

Back of the book:  This is your so called traitor speaking, Terry Holdbrooks, or has some have come to know me, Brother Mustafa Abdullah.  This once muffled and oppressed opinion that leaps off the page towards you now in a confessional tone wasn’t always so, there was 26 years, or what has been my lifetime of obstacles to feeling this kind of intense conviction, I almost subdued the desire altogether with my death, muted it with alcoholism  lost it in the spiritual disparity of eastern mysticism and new age American spirituality, but with the help of the Allah I found responsibility for myself and my soul in the strangest and most spiritually devoid place I could think of, a prison! An unsanctioned, secret prison at that, one where the prisoners have no sentence, have no status and have no rights, just take a left past the Caribbean, look on the south-side of Cuba and you will find it, GTMO Detention Facility, Cuba, only 90 miles off the Florida keys.

DISCLAIMER:  Some of the names and particular places that are contained in this memoir have been changed to protect the safety and security of those soldiers still serving in our armed forces, as well as those detainees who have been released or are looking to be released soon.  The book as a whole is as near accurate as ethically possible; again this is without jeopardizing the well being of the said above.  Also it is important to take note that this book was not written to serve any political or religious agenda.  It is nothing more than me telling the story of my life, as I saw it, as it happened.

“There is no greater social injustice than knowledge that isn’t shared”; between the ruling power and its successors, the unwitting youth, Allah’s children who have the most to lose from simple ignorance.”

Chapter 1 – What can we expect from this, and why should we read it?

On December 29^th 2003, I embraced Islam after 20 years of struggling to define what it meant to be a good person, citizen, husband and soldier. I say I struggled because I don’t think I accomplished any of those things until I realized the moral ground I was missing.  Not to say that a moral ground is necessary in life, there are more than a number of examples of people who have had no moral ground and accomplished greatness.  It is necessary however to live a rewarding life, rich and full of purpose.

I didn’t make these decisions (my conversion, public speaking, political action) to spite anyone or any organization, I didn’t convert to change my nationality or political views, I made this conversion to celebrate life, to live fuller with more responsibility, and especially to show anyone that reads my work just how much compassion can accomplish, the pacifist and real intellectual members of my generation believe it is essential to find a better understanding of the world around us and the Islamic faith that over a billion people in our world practice.  The young generation of America needs to bridge a connection with the Middle East (as I have commonly said in past speaking “bridge the gap between the East and the West”) because our father’s war is quickly becoming ours in the absence of innovation and acceptance (But when they are told, “Follow what God has bestowed from on high”, some answer, “Nay, we shall follow [only] that which we found our forefathers believing in and doing”.  Why, even if their forefathers did not use reason at all, and were devoid of all guidance? – Surah 2 Verse 170).  I gained a powerful insight about that innovation, and about that acceptance while serving at GTMO as a guard during 2003 and 2004, in sharing that insight I hope I bring your preconceptions, angst and misunderstanding with me because when we come out the other side of this sociological satire and life experience they won’t exist any longer.